David Richo. (2008). When the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds that Sabotage our Relationships. Shambhala.

David Richo. 2008. When the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds That Sabotage Our Relationships. Shambhala.

David Richo, When the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds That Sabotage Our Relationships. Shambhala, 2008.

David Richo. When the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds That Sabotage Our Relationships. Shambhala, 2008.

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   • bioText: David Richo, PhD, is a therapist and author who leads popular workshops on personal and spiritual growth. He is known for drawing on Buddhist thought, poetry, and Jungian perspectives in his work. He is the author of How to Be an Adult in Relationships and The Five Things We Cannot Change. He lives in Santa Barbara and San Francisco, California.
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When the Past Is Present

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The popular author of How to Be an Adult in Relationships reveals how past trauma can negatively impact our present-day relationships—and offers guidance on what to do about it
 
We all have a tendency to transfer potent feelings, needs, expectations, and beliefs from childhood or from former relationships onto the people in our daily lives, whether they are our intimate partners, friends, or acquaintances. When the Past Is Present helps us to become more aware of the ways we slip into the past so that we can identify our emotional baggage and take steps to unpack it and put it where it belongs.
Drawing on decades of experience as a psychotherapist, Richo helps readers to:
• Understand how the wounds of childhood become exposed in adult relationships—and why this is a gift
• Identify and heal the emotional wounds we carry over from the past so that they won’t sabotage present-day relationships
• Recognize how strong attractions and aversions to people in the present can be signals of our own unfinished business
• Use mindfulness to stay in the present moment and cultivate authentic intimacy
 
Full of practical guidance, When the Past is Present will teach you how to free yourself from old wounds and destructive behavioral partners so you can foster healthier, happier relationships.

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The popular author of How to Be an Adult in Relationships reveals how past trauma can negatively impact our present-day relationships—and offers guidance on what to do about it
 
We all have a tendency to transfer potent feelings, needs, expectations, and beliefs from childhood or from former relationships onto the people in our daily lives, whether they are our intimate partners, friends, or acquaintances. When the Past Is Present helps us to become more aware of the ways we slip into the past so that we can identify our emotional baggage and take steps to unpack it and put it where it belongs.
Drawing on decades of experience as a psychotherapist, Richo helps readers to:
• Understand how the wounds of childhood become exposed in adult relationships—and why this is a gift
• Identify and heal the emotional wounds we carry over from the past so that they won’t sabotage present-day relationships
...

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tableOfContents

Introduction 1

1 What is Transference? 7
How We Defend 9
Getting You to Feel for Me 11
One of Our Habits 12
The Birth of Our Expectations 16
Do We Hope or Despair? 20

2 What Transference Does and Why 27
The Clues 28
Causes and Choices 30
Noticing What We Are Up To 31
We Have Good Reason to Transfer 37
Practice: Address, Process, Resolve, and Integrate 42

3 Ways We Can Be Together 47
The Real You, the Real Me 51
Practice: Presence, Mindfulness, and Loving-kindness 54

4 Reactions and Reacting 59
Persons, Pets, Places, and Things 59
On the Job Too 62
Practice: In the Workplace 64
The Critic Within 69
Practice: Releasing Ourselves from Our Myths 69
Why Others Get to Us as They Do 72
Practices
Seeing What Gets in the Way 74
Opening 75
F.A.C.E-ing Ourselves 75
Searching Questions 76
From Trigger to Anchor 77
Handling Other's Reactions to Us 78
Practice: Power in Responding 80

5 How Our Fears Figure In 83
Four Fearsome Hurdles 84
Comings and Goings 86
Giving and Receiving 88
Being Accepted and Being Rejected 89
Letting Go and Moving On 91
Practice: Scaling the Hurdles with Grace 92

6 Our Compulsion to Repeat 96
Events too Huge 99
Something Ancient and Primitive about Abandonment 103
The Impact on Us 105
Hate and Hurt 106
Practice: Staying with Feeling 107

7 Memories of Mistreatment 109
Ongoing Stress 112
Our Delicate Timing 114
We Don't All Have to Go Back 115
Practices
Honoring Timing and Lifestyle 117
Identifying What Is Missing 118

8 The Physical Dimension 120
How the Brain Figures In 123
Practice: Alternatives to Freezing Up 126

9 Our Yearning for Both Comfort and Challenge 129
Practice: How to Grieve and Let Go 134
Grief in the Family 137
Practice: Handling Regret and Disappointment 140

10 Mirrors and Ideals 143
Our Search for Mirroring Love 144
Can't Live without You 145
A Bridge Appears 147
Where Our Ideals Came From 148
The Gift of Self 149
How Our Needs Are Transformed 151
Transference Meets Us Everywhere 155
Practices
New Ways of Trusting 156
Whom Do We Trust? 157
Examining Our Ideals 158

11 Why I Love You But Don't Really See You
Sex and Erotic Transferences 160
Sex as Addiction 162
Love and In Love 163
Daring an Adult Love 165
Working Out Our Relationship Clashes 169
How Codependency Arises 171
Practices
Committing to Loving-kindness 172
Entering Another's World 173

12 Noticing Transferences in Our Relationships 175
Practice: Letting Conflicts Helps Us 176
Good-Enough Relating 178
The Introvert/Extrovert Dimension in Relating 180
Working Back in Time 182
We Really Can Be Here Now 183
Practice: Pausing to Check In and Settle In 185

13 From Transference to Transformation 188
Our Psychological Work 188
Practice: A Checklist 190
How Spiritual Practice Renews Us 191
Hidden Help 193
How It All Comes Together 194
Practice: Opening to Spiritual Shifts 195

14 Transferring Beyond the Personal 199
The Archetypes We Live With 200
Acknowledge or...

bisacCodes

1. • code: FAM029000
   • description: Family & Relationships / Love & Romance
2. • code: FAM052000
   • description: Family & Relationships / Dysfunctional Families
3. • code: PSY017000
   • description: Psychology / Interpersonal Relations